I just had one of those moments when you wish you could disappear into a hole in the floor. Three of us were talking about a local school that has been taken over by a church run Academy. One person then commenced a ten minute atheistic tirade. This was followed by a long pause before the other pulled a crucifix out from her blouse and declared how important her faith is to her. I, of course, diffused this tense moment with my verbal proficiency: "Err...Biscuit anyone?".
My first school was not only church run, but a convent. My parents sent me there because it was only a couple of minutes walk from home rather than any holy motivations. In fact the closest to prayers I've ever seen my father get was at the Heineken Cup Final when Leicester Tigers played Wasps. He looked heavenward and cried "For Christ's Sake can't they just score a try?".
If you think my time in a Convent was filled with kindly nuns imparting knowledge like a scene from The Sound Of Music, you're wrong. Nuns can sniff out doubters like a spaniel can sniff out drugs. When one Nun, Sister Teresa, walked down the corridor I felt distinctly colder. I had a harrowing experience one day when I was attacked by a chain smoking, six foot bully from St. Paul's Secondary School next door. When I told Sister Teresa how I was playing an innocent game of Pogs and he kicked me and stole my lucky gold slammer, which I still miss incidentally, she simply told me "to pray for him". And it didn't work, as far as I know he didn't shove my slammer up his own arse. Although I can't be sure.
Sister Teresa had disliked me since a class about Original Sin when I asked why God had let Eve eat the apple: "Did He let her do it on purpose or was He just not watching?" I asked. There's no easy answer to that question.
I made it worse one holy communion. I was really hungry and liked the taste of the wafers so I went round twice. She noticed and dragged me aside. "You can't eat Jesus more than once" she reprimanded. She told me to apologise; "Sorry" I said shamefacedly. "Not to me," she snapped and pointed upwards before marching away.
My suspicions that she hated me were confirmed when I asked to be Mary in the Nativity and she informed me that I'd already been cast as Herod. I shouldn't complain though as I did also get to double as a sheep, which was nice.
When the school was eventually taken over by a grammar school I felt a lot more settled as it attracted young people from all different religious backgrounds. Indeed, apart from being famous for giving us the Attenboroughs, Gary Lineker and Gok Wan, Leicester is also the most multi-cultural city in the UK. And just as everyone else was encouraged their own religious beliefs I was allowed my religious doubts.
