On the 1st December news broke of a shark attacking and maiming four tourists in Sharm el-Sheikh. A couple of days later they caught a particularly large oceanic white tip, re-opened the beaches, and two days later another woman was killed by a shark. From this information I have decided two things:
One- The Police in Sharm el-Sheikh have not watched Jaws. It’s Shark Trickery 1/01: Chill for a day or so, let the fuzz catch a smaller shark, wait for the beaches to re-open and attack immediately. The authorities simply need to head out to sea in a bigger boat with a bounty hunter, Richard Dreyfuss and a few gas tanks.
Two- Package deals to the Red Sea will be much cheaper next year, so in these difficult times of recession it’s now top of my holiday destination list. I will investigate the feasibility of diving in a suit of armour or trying to get through Egyptian customs with a speargun. Only foreseeable problem is that my boyfriend is terrified of sharks- so much so that if I hum the Jaws theme tune while he’s in the bath it upsets him.
I’ve actually had a couple of run ins with sharks myself. My first was on the Gulf coast in Florida. My Mum and Gran had waded out to their waist (probably for a wee) and were chatting. Suddenly Mum saw a fin behind my Gran and before she could say anything the shark hit her so hard in the back of her legs she fell over. Luckily my Mum was holding me in her arms, or I think 6-year old me would have been a delicious snack as they fled back in.
It wasn’t a great holiday all told, it later emerged that the shark had come inshore because Hurricane Hugo was building in the Gulf. I spent the rest of my first holiday abroad in a hurricane shelter. And I was already heartbroken from seeing Mickey Mouse take his head off and smoke a fag at Disney World.
My second altercation was in the Dominican Republic where my dad and I decided it’d be a clever to go snorkelling in this dark cave - no one else was snorkelling there, not even the locals, what could go wrong?
We were in the cave for about half a second before I looked down and saw a huge shadow move below me. I looked at my Dad- his pale face and expression of abject terror let me know he’d seen it too. I glanced down again and saw that tell-tale fin.
Being an only child I’ve always been overprotected by my father - He once got me a can of weapons grade tear-gas “to keep in my purse for nights out”. But when there’s a shark near you, it’s every man for themselves, it's more terrifying than the acting in Jaws 3. He swam out of that cave so fast he was on the beach having a beer to get over the shock before I’d swum a stroke.
But have I learned how to avoid shark attacks? Yes. Make sure there’s a weaker swimmer with you at all times, and if you see a shark don’t say a word, just swim away quietly and let it eat the other person. And if like me you’re going to Sharm el-Sheikh next year; learn the word for ‘shark’ in every language. So if a Ukrainian or Russian tourist swimming near you starts screaming, you know what’s up.
Now to end on a more festive note, yet keeping to the theme of ravenous beasts that need feeding, I’d like to use the power of blog for good and draw your attention to the Hungry Mouths campaign at the Wood Green Animal Shelter http://www.woodgreen.org.uk/how-to-help/hungry-mouths/. Give money to feed the kitten…or the sharks will come and eat you.
