Friday 5 August 2011

I'll take your brain to another dimension. Pay close attention.

My first incident with the third dimension involved a packet of cereal when I was about six years old. Inside the box was a mysterious pair of cardboard spectacles which I cautiously put on. Suddenly there was Captain Rik, the greatest (and only) cereal based superhero flying towards me in all the glory that three whole dimensions afford.  After this there were sadly few notable forays away from 2D. In the nineties 2D was very in vogue, like the Spice Girls and casual racism. 


And then, the noughties brought us Avatar. Which, along with everyone else on the planet, I went to see in 3D. Not just that, I went to see it at the IMAX. I collected my special glasses, not caring that the whole lot of us looked like the love-child of Elton John and a house fly. Suddenly it was as if I was six again- and this time not only was the screen in 3D, but it was the size of my parents’ house. Did I notice the film had no discernable plot whatsoever and included such gems of dialogue as “Shut your pie hole” and "You mating with this woman"? Sure. But I was immersed in Pandora nonetheless. 


Almost overnight it seemed everything was in 3D. Alice in Wonderland was next, then Toy Story 3 had grown men weeping through their special glasses and soon there was hoards of Harry Potter fans queuing up to see their favourite wizard flying towards them like Captain Rik. The next wave of blockbusters all threaten 3D and there's a rumour that George Lucas plans to re-master all the Star Wars movies (sacrilege!). I started to feel sorry for those films in regular 2D trying to catch filmgoers attentions. 3D is like that girl at school who developed breasts first. How could the flatter films ever hope to compete?


Not all genres of film suit 3D in the same way as Action & Adventure. My Bloody Valentine seemed to prove that horror fans enjoy the blood and gore soaring straight at them. But as many women have said before me: What of Romance? And it's doing nothing for period films. I’m going to get more out of Pride & Prejudice if the bonnets are popping out at me. And dear lord, I fear the day when guys can steam up their special glasses to 3D porn.
 

Just as I was pondering the thought of where the power of 3D ends I saw a poster for a new show at Madame Tussauds which ambitiously promises to be 4D. Yes, the FOURTH dimension. Now I loosely understand that 4D involves vectors of time and space and I’m pretty confident that they are unlikely to recreate this. Unless the wax works and I somehow travel through time I’m fairly sure it’s still just 3D and lots of hype. 

Nope, Madame Tussauds aside, the third dimension is where all the fun is happening. And to those two-dimensional dissenters I shall quote the words of that great master of 3D, James Cameron: Shut your pie hole.

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